The Brink of Sanity

Marc and Jay as well as many other guest hosts, now bring their unique brand of incoherent babble to tens of people every week in this weekly comedy podcast.

The Brink of Sanity
1,001 Rants

Rant #19: Duane Reade

I don’t know if Duane Reade is a regional chain or a national chain, but what I do know is this: Duane Reade is a terrible chain.  Unless you want to spend 15 minutes waiting on line to buy a piece of gum.  Then it’s the greatest.  Because that is how long you will wait no matter when you go in there.

Don't go in here if you are in a hurry

Duane Reade is one of those overpriced pharmacy chains like CVS or Walgreens, only with longer lines.  They recently cleaned up all the stores so it isn’t a dump anymore, but they left the shitty cashiers.  I swear every single one of them look like they want to kill themselves and make it their mission to make me feel like that too before I leave.

Since it’s too big of a coincidence that every Duane Reade is like this (or DR as they are lamely trying to be known) I’m assuming every register has a list of rules like this:

1.  Do not smile under any circumstance

2. Letting people in slowly so that there is a long line makes clubs look cool.  We’re going to do the same thing.  Make sure there is a line so people will think we’re cool too.

3. If the line is moving too quickly pretend something isn’t scanning correctly or double scan something so that you have to wait for a manager to void it.

4. If no one is on line, pretend not to see the 1st person that gets on line for at least 5 minutes.

5. Never say thank you after the transaction, we don’t want to look too needy.

6. If the transaction is moving too quickly you can always make the time up while bagging.

7. Make like it’s the biggest inconvenience in the world if someone wants to pay with a card.

8. Even though the average wait time is 12-15 minutes impatiently yell NEXT before the person who just paid has taken a half a step from the register.  You want to give the impression the line is moving slowly because of the customer.