The United States is in the middle of a debt crisis.
I don’t see why, Jay and Marc each came up with 5 ways to get our country out of debt. It’s not that hard.
Jay’s top 5
1. Threaten to bomb everyone we owe money to.
This is probably what we are really doing anyway. “You want our money? How about we just drop zero bombs on you instead? We cool?”
2. Fill up the House of Representatives with Mexican immigrants.
We’ll save a ton of money in salaries and benefits. They will probably get about as much done as our current house, maybe a little more. And if they try to pass anything crazy like free money for all Mexicans the president can just veto it.
3. Confiscate all of Amy Winehouse’s drugs. She had to have a couple billion dollars worth of drugs just in her body, just imagine what’s in her house!
4. Hire people from News of the World to replace our CIA. It sounds like they were doing a better job stealing valuable information than the CIA. Hire a bunch of them and we can probably get enough dirty secrets to blackmail our way out of debt.
5. House of Representatives Boxing.
A monthly pay per view event where members of the house have to settle their differences over a boxing match. A 5 card fight every month, broken up into age class instead of weight class. Everyone has to fight at least once. A title fight for speaker of the house and he gets to wear a championship belt at every meeting. Tell me you wouldn’t watch this.
Marc’s top 5
1. Sell Sponsorship for the Pledge of Allegiance
Can you imagine every student in America saying every morning “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America…brought to you by Subway: Eat Fresh.” Companies would line up to buy sponsorship to this.
2. Nationwide curse jar.
Americans love to fucking curse. If we all gave a quarter every time we cursed this debt issue would be solved during Monday morning’s commute to work.
3. Hold an American Idol type contest to elect the President.
The ratings would be through the roof as Americans tuned in each week to vote for their favorite Presidential candidate. America would make tons of money selling advertising. The danger is that we get some crazy crackpot or joke candidate (which we get half the time anyhow through actual elections) but then the rest of the government doesn’t have to take this president seriously as he was elected through a game show.
4. Sell off the right to have your name inserted into important events in American history.
If he paid enough, kids would learn that it was not Martin Luther King Jr. who led the march on Washington but instead it was Donald Trump. And, it was Bill Gates who freed the slaves. And, it was the Situation who first walked on the moon.
5. Force countries to pay us for not invading them.
We could provide protection to countries similar the protection provided by the mafia. Our military budget is twice as large as what the entire rest of the world spends on the military. If we are going to spend so much on the military we might as well use our military to make money. Hey Uruguay, I am not saying that we will invade if you do not pay but if you do not pay we can’t be held responsible if some of our unmanned drones start dropping bombs on your country.